I’ve found that I live extreems. They’ve been unbeknowst to me mostly. Over a long span of time God has been drawing me into being a prophet. This is not the first you’ve heard this from me if you’ve been around me or read this blog much. I’m still working out what the ramifications are on my life, minisitry and relationships. I haven’t always thought good things about prophets. That’s one of my hang ups about being one. It sounds like it could be lonely or deadly. I lack the desire to be either of those.
There is something else at play. To some extent I haven’t felt like I had a voice most of my life. A lot of this surrounds feelings. Feelings aren’t always welcome are they? Often I have needed permission to speak. I’m talking overt verbal say so as if I’m in the Army. This is in most settings, with individuals, groups, and large groups.
Also at play: My ability to fill a room with words. I only do this when it’s safe. I also do this to disassociate. When I monologue someone its because I don’t think I’ll get another chance to speak. [Faith, Hope & Love… Does Kathy’ s dog ring a bell to my cohorts?]
I’m stuck. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anything to say. Sometimes true. I don’t like it when people don’t give me a work edgewise, but I have the capability of doing that. I hate that about myself. I long to be heard… yet I don’t want to harrang people. What is a boy to do?
God wants me to speak. I don’t feel like I can. I often have ambivalence to speaking. When I do speak God often uses me. Huh, funny how that works. I often am told about eerily timed messages, calls, hugs or even loving glances. When praying with people God speaks through me. Most of the time I don’t have sense that’ve spoken with God-breath. The time that it’s been most apparent to me was when I used to give a blessing at the end of a worship service every week. I felt like a spiritual amplifier. The spiritual physics of it were palpable.
So apparently I have something to say. If I admit it, I have more to say. All in due time. Thanks for listening.